The Unabeefer's Manifesto

The Unabeefer's Manifesto

Mad Cows and All The Other Things I Hate About The World

CONTENTS:

I. INTRODUCTION
II. MAD COW DISEASE AND BEEF CONSUMPTION
III. REQUIRED EDUCATION AND OTHER STUDIES
IV. NOVELTY ITEMS AND SOUVENIRS
V. POOR PEOPLE AND THE LOWER CLASSES
VI. MOVIES
VII. TELEVISION (coming soon)




I. INTRODUCTION

  1. For my entire lifetime (so far and probably for years to come), there have been things, little small things, that just irritate me. Things that don't really mean much to anyone and have no significance in them whatsoever, but they bug the crap out of me anyway.

  2. This document lists many of those things that bug me. As many as I could think of, I placed into this text. Everything is listed either in order of importance or in order of the appearance in my thoughts... or in any random order.

  3. I spent all sorts of time writing all of this down and spread it out as much as I could to make it look longer than it actually had to be. Sometimes I repeated things simply to drag things out for the purpose of lengthening this document. Using plenty of repetition makes it seem like I have more to say when in reality, I am actually saying nothing at all.

  4. I numbered the items for easy filing and listing for things like reference and stuff. (Not that it matters.) Also, I repeated things as often as I could just to make it longer. I also spread it out as much as I could, as forementioned in section I-3.

  5. Some of the articled items really do bug me as much as I put them out to be, others I just found comical and humorous or just plain stupid so I placed them in my list for your pleasure also.

  6. Occasionally and quite often, there was just plenty of pissed off ranting... and pointless cross-referencing to prior sections and sub-sections. (see I-4)

II. MAD COW DISEASE AND BEEF CONSUMPTION

  1. Too many cows are being ruthlessly slaughtered. The poor cows. Have you ever looked a cow in the face and then try to even tip it over? It's harder than it looks; those bitches are heavy. The little creature may seem dumb and useless to us, but they are so sweet. One look in that little cow's eyes and you're down on the floor sobbing.

  2. People at least yell at you when you try to kill them. Human beings MAKE you want to kill people. A person will sit and scream at you, and you can't help but be thankful when the person's dead and quiet. They're dead. They finally shut up and are bleeding all over the floor. Aw, well... Let their friends clean it up. I'm gonna go get a burger.

  3. Big beef-selling corporations, like McDonald's and Burger King, need to continue raising prices on beef products. This is a plus, for it will then reduce the sales of beef. The less beef that is sold, the fewer cows that will die.

  4. People in general need to cut back on consumption of beef products. The society depends way too much on beef and not on improtant things like vinyl window coverings.

  5. Vinyl window coverings are cool. I have some in my room. I have dark blue window coverings that I keep shut 360 days of the year. This keeps snipers from shooting me in my sleep or as I chat on the internet with my buddies from Canada. You should get some vinyl window coverings.

  6. As for that beef consumption thing (see II-4), if people want burgers, they should eat turkey burgers. They taste quite a lot like beef and are a lot healthier for you. They don't have as much fat as beef but taste a little like beef... or not at all like beef. Perhaps a bit more like dry sand-covered chicken. Also, people need to eat more chicken. Pork is good too, along with other pig products such as ham and bacon. Unless you're Jewish, in which case I wouldn't suggest the pork. Perhaps a good veal.

  7. Because of this beef reliance the world has fallen into, I gratefully approve of and adhere to the continuation and uncontrolled spread of Mad Cow Disease. Even though the cows suffer from "natural" causes, this lessens the consumption of beef products (see II-4), not only because of fewer cows but of the scare society gets from hearing about tainted beef. The more tainted beef, the better.

III. REQUIRED EDUCATION AND OTHER STUDIES

  1. Every child is forced to attend some form of educational facility, from ages 5 until 18, not only in the United States but in other parts of the world as well. Why are children forced to learn things? If they want to end up stupid, it's them who won't take their lives anywhere in the future. People need to learn to take the consequences for their actions, and if a child doesn't go to school, they're going to miss out in the long run. It will also be easier to tell the smart people from the stupid people, the reliable committed people from the slackers.

  2. The government shouldn't be in charge of making sure the kids go to school. The public education system is not a babysitter. The responsibility should be in the hands of the adult soley responsible for teaching and implying values into the kids... the parents. This section may be one of the most serious and actually very truthful sections in this entire manifesto, so go back and read this 27 times, forward and backward.

  3. Why don't teachers have homework? Maybe they could take home flash cards with pictures and the names of each student on them. That way teachers can learn the names of the students quicker. Also, it will be easier for them to notice when someone is missing from the class, because they will be looking for each face to match with the name, as their homework provides for them, and will notice when one is not there.

  4. And why is there homework anyways? Don't we do enough busy work at school in general? Why ruin what precious little time left kids have as kids by filling it with busy work and essays? People argue that we're "preparing them" for being adults, but why on God's green earth would we want to do that? Think back to when you were a kid... Now look at your life currently... Which would you rather be now? That's right, a kid. You want to go back to being a kid, so why are we ruining kids' lives by trying to make their childhoods more like our adult lives?

  5. Because we're bitter that we had to do homework, that's why. Why should those lousy little brats have all this fun, while we're out working our asses off day in and day out?! We should destroy every bit of fun and happiness they have left, since they're clearly destroying ours! And to that I say "Give them MORE homework!" Hell, let's put the kids to work in factories and fields. God gave us little slaves; we might as well use em!

IV. NOVELTY ITEMS AND SOUVENIRS

  1. What's with all these little knick-knacks people buy from gift shops on vacation? Little not-to-scale models of the monument they went to see, anything-small-enough-to-fit-in-a-bottle in a bottle (i.e. coins, teeth, etc), and anything else small that you can place on a desk or give to someone who obviously could live without it. These little things take up space, and collect dust. I see no sense in little souvenir things...
     
  2. Why not buy a t-shirt, hat, or some other useful product, like one of those little european-style bottle openers with the corkscrew on it. You could find a million uses for that thing, just like the pocket fisherman. Instead of buying a miniature spoon with a logo on it and a case that won't open, buy something you can use and not store in a box somewhere in your attic.
     
  3. Or even better, don't buy something from a gift shop; buy something expensive and good quality from a department store near the site of visitation. If you go to London, buy a jacket from Herrod's Department Store. If you go to New York City, buy something from Macy's. It's all in the memory of "Oh yeah, I remember buying this at (insert store here) in (insert city name). That was a cool trip."
     
  4. And never buy any little desk-topper for someone you know. Chances are, they don't want it. They didn't go to wherever it was you went or saw whatever it was you saw. Why would they need a rememberance of someplace they didn't go? The only excuse I could see for buying a little thing for someone is if they asked you to bring one. Otherwise, let it go. They don't want the snow globe.

V. POOR PEOPLE AND THE LOWER CLASSES

  1. Okay, now you're probably thinking I'm serious and that I'm going to talk about how poor people are the problem with society. Not so. Rich people are more of a problem than the poor. Too many people are taking all the money for themselves and being extremely greedy. To eliminate this problem, we must eliminate some people. (as mentioned in II-2)
     
  2. But how would you define "rich" and "poor"? It's not easy to classify by numbers, but I'd say that anyone with more money than they actually need for living is rich. That means that anyone with hardly enough money to buy clothes, much less food, is poor.
     
  3. That means I'm rich! I have much more money than I need, and I am stingy with it. I horde my money like a young child and his Halloween candy. This is what is wrong. Why should some people go hungry just because you want that CD? (Oh, and have you heard that new Beyonce CD yet? It's really cool!)
     
  4. What we need to do is kill all the filthy rich people and give all their money to the poor. This will make some of the poor people rich, which means we must kill them also. Doing this not only reduces the amount of poor and rich people. It also reduces the amount of people!
     
  5. The world is way over-populated. We need to reduce, thin-down, the number of people in the world. (see V-4) Maybe we should start with you...

VI. MOVIES

  1. Movies nowadays are so stupid. People don't seem to notice that there is NO plot! All there is to a movie is a whole ton of special effects. No depth whatsoever. Oh wow... look at that tornado. Great tornado. Looks so real. But where's the plot? Oh, it's behind the tornado somewhere I guess.
     
  2. And what's with the prices on popcorn at theaters? Would you like a large? It's only twenty-five cents more! Oh sure, I've already spent four hundred dollars on the medium. Not to mention the ten hundred on the ticket, and the seventy-five bucks for my soda. Why NOT waste twenty-five more cents? And I get a free refil on my popcorn too! As if I'll even finish the FIRST one in the two hours of the movie...
     
  3. Each seat at a movie theater has two, count 'em two, cup holders. Is that for people who can't make up their minds? Which one should I put my cup in? During the first scene, I'll have my cup on the right. Second scene it goes on the left. But where should I put my popcorn? They should make one of the cup holders a popcorn holder. Unfortunately, the entire seat next to you would be the only thing big enough for your popcorn. (see VI-2)
     
  4. Even the TITLES of movies are stupid. I think they ran out of titles. They used to be able to use cool names like "Howard the Duck" and "Ninja Academy". Nowadays, every movie is "The" something. Like "The Codebreaker" or "The Yawner". Either that or it's just some sappy name like "Beauty of Her" or "Covering Mary". Come on! Where's the creativity in that?
     
  5. Which gets me to my next subject: sequels. "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" was okay. "Honey I Blew Up the Kid" was a little much. "Honey We Shrunk Ourselves" just seemed to cross the line to becoming just plain stupid. What's next? "Honey I Shrunk the Moon"? "Honey I Shrunk the Neighbor's Dog"? Or maybe the final one, "Honey I Blew Up The World"? That would be a fun one! Just like "The Mighty Ducks VII" where the team faces a whole kindergarten hockey team and for added plot twist... the ice is MELTING! Oh no! Oooh, and maybe a tornado! (see VI-1) Another fun sequel set is "Look Who's Talking" followed by "Too", "Now", and "Still". "Look Who's Talking Still" wraps up the set by focusing on the kids as teenagers, continuously talking on the phone. Okay, so it's not that good of an idea... but neither was "Scream 4".
     
  6. Also, a lot of bad remakes are coming out. "The Nutty Professor" for one. Jerry Lewis was a lot better than Eddie Murphy. Why even bother making a remake that's just going to end up stupid anyway? Why not just colourize the older, better, original one and re-release it like they usually do anyway?
     
  7. Everyone's re-releasing everything, only now in 3-D! Didn't we already try 3-D? It didn't last. In fact, I don't think they've re-released any of the old 3-D movies in 3-D... Only movies that weren't made for 3-D, except now, they're in 3-D. I have no desire to see "Pretty Woman" in 3-D. Please stop.

VII. TELEVISION
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